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Pół żartem, pół serio - [Tekst] Po angielsku

tumdum - Czw, 10.03.05, 15:38
Temat postu: [Tekst] Po angielsku
"Britain is not an island...well, yes it is, but..."

- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
- from Mark Saxby (Reading, England)

"The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
to be surprised."

- US Secy of Defense Dick Cheney
- from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)

"President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20
minutes precisely."

- Peter Jennings, ABC News
- from Roger Allen (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
around, unlike fixed launchers."

- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
a moment."

- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)

"We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out of his chest".

- Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
cited in National Lampoon calendar
- from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)

"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach."

- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)

"Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on
their 18th birthday."

- Sign in a US Post Office
- from Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)

"This door must not be opened under any circumstances."

- Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
- from C. N. Kumar (Karnaraka, India)

"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."

- Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
- from Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)

"Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time."

- Ellen Kushner on "Caravan", WGBH radio,
Boston
- from Roger Goun (Nashua, NH, USA)

"It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified
performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed
system."

- Request for Quotation from unidentified
prospective client
- from Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)

"President union""" will address the nation on the state of the Bush."

_ Hampton Pearson, news reporter, WBZ TV
- from Paul Poznick (Andover, MA, USA)

"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, virtually
none had heard of RISC"

- Digital Marketing Study
- from Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)

"Sir James Spicer...has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle
Valley First School near Dorchester."

- VNS #2244 Main News, 23 Jan 90
- from Dick Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Tensions in Latvia...are tense..."

- WBZ Radio, Boston, 21 Jan 91, news
- from Gunar Zagars (Andover, MA, USA)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994
-- Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
-- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,"

-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release
-- of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."

-- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Unknown. This has been attributed to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Texas Governer

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"

-- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

-- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

-- Unknown. This has been attributed to:
Al Gore, Bill Clinton, George Bush
(Sr. and Jr.), and Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

-- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."

-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/quotations.html

MoD - Pią, 25.03.05, 1:10

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her
husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old
son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home
unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here. "

Man: "Yes it is. "

Boy: "I have a baseball. "

Man: "That's nice. "

Boy: "Want to buy it? "

Man: "No, thanks. "

Boy: "My dad's outside. "

Man: "OK, how much? "

Boy: "$250. "


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here. "

Man: "Yes, it is. "

Boy: "I have a baseball glove. "

Man: "How much? "

Boy: "$750. "

Man: "Fine. "

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball.

" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them.
"The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?
" The son says, "$1, 000. "
The father says, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that. That is way more
than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess. "

They go to church and the father alerts the priest,
and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth
and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here. "

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

[ Dodano: 2005-03-25, 02:02 ]
Był sobie gość, którego od jakiegoś czasu strasznie bolała głowa. Na
początku wytrzymywał, jechał na tabletkach, ale po jakimś czasie już nie
mógł. Poszedł do lekarza. Ten go zbadał, obejrzał i mówi:
- No cóż, wiem jak pana wyleczyć, ale będzie to wymagało usunięcia jąder. Ma
pan bardzo rzadki przypadek naciskania jąder w podstawę kręgosłupa. Nacisk
powoduje ból głowy. Jednym sposobem przyniesienia panu ugli jest usunięcie
jąder. Co pan na to?
Gościu zbladł i myśli. Jak to będzie bez jąder no i w ogóle. Jednak doszedł
do wniosku, że z takim bólem głowy to nie da rady żyć i postanowił "iść pod
nóż".

Mija kilka dni, gościu po zabiegu, główka już nie boli. Jednak czuł, że
bezpowortnie stracił coś ważnego. Postanowił sobie to, przynajmniej
tymczasowo, zrekompensować nowym ciuchem. Wchodzi do sklepu i mówi:
- Chcę nowy garnitur!
Sprzedawca zmierzył go wzrokiem i mówi:
- Rozmiar 44?
- Tak, skąd pan wiedział?
- To moja praca.
Gościu przymierzył gajer, pasuje idealnie. Sprzedawca na to:
- Może do tego nowa koszula?
- Niech będzie.
- Rozmiar 37?
- Tak, skąd pan wiedział?
- To moja praca.
Gościu założył koszulę, leży jak ulał. Sprzedawca dalej:
- To może jeszcze nowe buty?
- A niech będą nowe buty.
- Rozmiar 8,5?
- Tak, skąd pan wiedział?
- To moja praca.
Gościu przymierza buty, są idealnie dopasowane. Sprzedawca:
- No to może nowe slipki?
Chwila wahania
- Jasne, przecież przydadzą mi się nowe slipki.
- Rozmiar 36?
- Ostatnio nosiłem 34...
- Nie mógł pan nosić 34. Powodowałyby ucisk jąder w podstawę kręgosłupa i miałby pan cholerny ból głowy!

tumdum - Sob, 22.10.05, 19:03

Merovingian: I love French wine, like I love the French language. I have sampled every language, French is my favourite - fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère! (Trans: Name of God of whore of brothel of shit of filth of jerk of fucking your mother up the ass.) You see, it's like wiping your ass with silk, I love it.
maver - Pon, 07.11.05, 18:08

Posel Renata Beger wystepowala niedawno na forum Parlamentu Europejskiego. Oto zapis jej przemowienia, z tlumaczeniem, oczywiscie:

Tall room!
(Wysoka Izbo!)
Welcome in the name of all penises of Selfdefence.
(Witam w imieniu wszystkich członków Samoobrony.)
Now it's railway on me.
(Teraz kolej na mnie.)
It's not fugitive of circumstances.
(To nie jest zbieg okoliczności.)
Look in my little-eye-bitches and concentrate a shit.
(Spójrzcie w moje kurwiki i skupcie się.)
I was a behind eyes student of Garden School Band!
(Byłam studentką zaoczną Zespołu Szkól Ogrodniczych!)
Don't make stages and stop to tear yourselves.
(Nie róbcie scen i przestacie się drzeć.)
Selfdefence is a big party and ice is poor in Poland.
(Samoobrona jest dużą partią, a lud jest biedny w Polsce.)
The profits are flying into the hole.
(Zyski lecą w dół.)
It's a huge grandfatherhood!
(To jest ogromne dziadostwo!)
Poland is a village killed by desks.
(Polska jest wioska zabita dechami.)
All politicians let the peacock out and take legs behind belt.
(Wszyscy politycy puszczaj pawia i biorą nogi za pas.)
Do you divide my sentence?
(Czy podzielacie moje zdanie?)
But we are equal peasants and we will go out on people!
(Ale my jestemy równe chłopy i wyjdziemy na ludzi!)
I will animal to you.
(Zwierzę wam się.)
I will elephants behind them my on-ancestry.
(Oslonię przed nimi mój naród.)
I will stop their long-writers and feathers starting you-selling Polish earth.
(Zatrzymam ich długopisy i pióra zaczynające wyprzedawać polską ziemię.)
Our the-vodkas will show them where the pepper is growing!
(Nasze dewotki pokażą im gdzie pieprz rośnie!)
They will overheat the wall with head, they will have a brain tire fire and the will sing slim!
(Oni przygrzeją głową w mur, będą mieli zapalenie opon mózgowych i będą cienko śpiewać!)
Because we need Huge Orchestra Of Christmas Help and old good tenses again!
(Ponieważ my znów potrzebujemy Wielkiej Orkiestry Świątecznej Pomocy i starych dobrych czasów!)
But don't boat yourselves I will make my afterbills with them without your helpful hand!
(Ale nie łudźcie się że zrobię z nimi swoje porachunki bez waszej pomocnej dłoni.)
You must step on my hand!
(Musicie pójść mi na rękę!)
We must stop to divorcee the facts and break down the first ice-creams!
(Musimy przestać rozwodzić się nad faktami i przełamać pierwsze lody!)
Without corpse!
(Bez zwoki!)
I will take coffee on table and say without small garden: you must give us middles for our highway from Beeftown to Hell!
(Wyłożę kawę na ławę i powiem bez ogródek: musicie dać nam śodki na naszą autostradę z Wołomina do Helu!)
It's not after birds!
(Jeszcze nie jest po ptakach!)
But you must in our little businesses of movement!
(Ale musicie kupować w naszych kioskach ruchu!)
Buy our oh-small mountains, our white without and our boo-cancers.
(Kupujcie nasze ogórki, nasz biały bez i nasze buraki.)
I tower you will after-can us...
(Wierzę, że nam pomożecie.)
Thank you from the mountain.
(Dziękuję z góry.)
Don't plane a crazy telling me you don't have money!
(Nie strugajcie wariatów mówiąc mi, że nie macie pieniędzy!)
Stop to turn my head because shit is walking around me!
(Przestańcie zawracać mi głowę bo gówno mnie to obchodzi!)
You want to make the profit on time!
(Chcecie zyskać na czasie!)
You should cut yourselves a nap in The Dug-Up or on Maybe Black and cut percentage feet.
(Powinniście uciąć sobie drzemkę w Zakopanem albo na Morzu Czarnym i obniżyć stopy procentowe.)
We need heritage of prices.
(Potrzebujemy obniżki cen.)
But I think it's a pity of the west trying to make you divide our lottery coupon.
(Ale myślę że szkoda zachodu na próbowanie abyście podzielili nasz los.)
You want to see Coin paintings or listen to the serious music concert, but you piss on Selfdefence.
(Chcecie oglądać obrazy Moneta albo słuchać koncertu muzyki poważnej, ale olewacie Samoobronę.)
It's just a big eggs and shit of laugh!
(To są wielkie jaja i kupa śmiechu!)
But my on-ancestry is very expensive to me.
(Ale mój naród jest mi bardzo drogi.)
I will ou-help them without your grace!
(Uratuje ich bez waszej laski!)
I will show them how to press the gay of gas and beside-hurry up!
(Pokażę im jak nacisnąć pedał gazu i przyspieszyć!)
Room with you!
(Pokój z wami!)
Balcerowicz must go on!
(Balcerowicz musi odejść!)

tumdum - Pią, 02.12.05, 15:34

Ask Calvin's Dad

Who does Calvin turn to for answers to his most pressing questions? His dad, of course. But Calvin and Hobbes fans know what kind
of answers Dad will give
him! Let's just say that they're not entirely true. Read on for some enlightening facts from Mr. Britannica himself, Calvin's dad!

Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools
down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.

Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.

Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't
turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So
if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of
relativity only works if you're going west.

Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes
would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who
makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.

Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.

Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.

Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

Dreamer_ - Sob, 03.12.05, 5:26

trochę geek poetry (znalezione na ThinkGeek):

roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you

Zielak - Wto, 06.12.05, 20:50

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied
to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the
negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had
some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would
be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor
of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil
be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand
each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

nirvanka - Czw, 08.12.05, 2:21

Cała prawda o małżeństwie:

CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you
wish
you had ordered that.

CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your
wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

CASE 3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is
married,
he is finished.


CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree
and
the woman gets her master's status.

CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying
for
it."

CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a
man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."


CASE 7

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until
I got married, and then it was too late."

CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and
the
wife takes

CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


CASE 10
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I
married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice
it."

CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day,
he
received hundreds letters.
They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one
thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.


CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked.
The woman replied, "A multimillionaire

mietek - Sob, 07.01.06, 3:26

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole?

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

chmieloman - Sob, 28.01.06, 15:30

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the man. "You know I live by the railway.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks,
like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place..

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!

We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position
imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"


"Dunno... Never found the head...


----------------------------------------

Bush And Osama

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

----------------------------------------------------

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, ok then." Daddy says, "here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house. "
"Okay Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "And what happened?" he asks.
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down stairs and there's blood everywhere, her arms and legs are bent all funny and she's not moving anymore."
"Oh no... and what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving anymore either."

***long pause****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool????
Is this 597-7039?"

Paczesiowa - Wto, 28.02.06, 18:27

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

tumdum - Sro, 08.03.06, 22:29

Damn you internet! All the girls that actualy are available looks less attractive since I got internet connection and started finding all these godeses.
roolin - Czw, 09.03.06, 20:35

Oracle Database 10g Express Edition License Agreement
Export Controls on the Programs

Ticking the "I accept the License Terms and Export Restrictions" checkbox below is a confirmation of your agreement that you comply with each of the following statements: (dwa wybrane)

- You are not a citizen, national, or resident of, and are not under control of, the government of Cuba, Iran, Sudan, Libya, North Korea, Syria, nor any country to which the United States has prohibited export.
- You are not listed on the United States Department of Treasury lists of Specially Designated Nationals, Specially Designated Terrorists, and Specially Designated Narcotic Traffickers, nor are you listed on the United States Department of Commerce Table of Denial Orders.

Dreamer_ - Wto, 20.06.06, 15:09

to jest podobno cholernie stare, ale nie słyszałem wcześniej :)

God: Adam I've got good news. I am going to make you a woman!
Adam: Whats a woman my Lord?
God: A Woman is a wonderfull creature who is beautiful, funny, caring, and will fulfill your every need.
Adam: That sounds great! What will it cost me?
God: An arm and a leg.
Adam: Hmmm. What can I get for a rib?

Jachu - Czw, 22.06.06, 12:06

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

tumdum - Czw, 29.06.06, 20:16

-Global- [chasingsol] P2P-IRC News, bring you all the news that's completely useless but somehow strangely titilating: Today, former RIAA chief Hilary Rosen announced on her blog that she believes that lawsuits against P2P downloaders have 'outlived their usefulness'. In other news, the gates of Hell have opened and the Apocalypse is coming.
kshaczek - Wto, 11.07.06, 5:22

Moj faworyt do tej pory w USA:
<girl> I wonder what's that accent. Where are you from?
<kshaczek> Guess, I'll give you a hint... from somewhere in Europe.
<girl> I don't know... Germany?
<kshaczek> No... Try a little bit to the east.
<girl> I don't know...
<kshaczek> Like... Whose the Germany's eastern neighbour?
<girl> Oh... USSR ? Russia ?

mona - Wto, 18.07.06, 14:43

- Name?
- Adu Dalah Serafi
- Sex?
- Four times a week
- No, no, no... male or female?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

DarKiusz - Sob, 05.08.06, 23:02

IE Rulez, Firefox Suxz

There’s been some outrageous claims bandied about in the last year or two about how this “Mozilla Firefox” thingy is better than Internet Explorer. Well I, Henry the Adequate, superhero, am here to set the record straight, because of my amazing powers of record straightening and my incredible computer skills. Sorry, skillz. I am soooo damn hip.

Reasons Internet Explorer is better than Firefox

1.Being an explorer is a noble pursuit, filled with adventure and naked cheerleaders. Being a fox means you’re vermin, fit only to be torn to pieces by rabid dogs.

2.Basil Brush is really really really really annoying.

3.Tabbed browsing is evil because Microsoft are paying me to say that tabbed browsing is evil. When IE 7 comes out tabbed browsing will be completely rad. My hipness knows no limits, because of my superpowers of being really cool, and stuff.

4.Internet Explorer is much more powerful that Firefox. For example, when Firefox crashes I just have to restart it, and keep browsing. Firefox even remembers the tabs I had open, thanks to the sessionsaver extension. However, when IE crashes it takes down the whole operating system, the fridge, the toaster, and any pacemakers that may happen to be nearby. Also, the neighbour’s cat starts behaving strangely. Now that is real power.

5.Internet Explorer supports activex controls. These neat little programs can be installed on your computer from just about any remote server and they allow the kind and friendly and completely honest internet guys in Russia to help you avoid spyware, viruses, Trojans, and rootkits. Damn those annoying Trojans. Troy totally deserved to be sacked.

6.Internet Explorer is more secure than Firefox. I mean, with all those philanthropic Russian dudes helping us with their free activex spyware prevention tools and their brilliant popups, how could any nasties every infect your computer via Internet Explorer? Also, Microsoft only fix IE security bugs when they feel like it, which just goes to show that IE really is totally secure - otherwise MS would be fixing them immediately, like the Firefox guys do. IE is so good it doesn’t need its bugs fixed.

7.Internet Explorer allows, even encourages, popups and popunders. It is actually extremely dangerous to have only one browser window open at a time. Multiple browser windows are kind of like that guy in XMen 3 who can be in many different places at the same time. The nasty virus thingies won’t get you if they can’t work out which window is the real one. Trust me, I’m a completely independent superhero analyst guy without any ties to Microsoft or anything like that, and anyway, what’s a couple of million dollars between friends strangers.

8.Internet Explorer is tightly integrated with the operating system. This has many benefits. For example, Windows is totally secure and totally stable. Therefore IE, by virtue of its close ties with the OS, inherits these characteristics. Also, it is almost impossible to completely remove IE from Windows, whereas Firefox is very easily removed - another example of the supreme power of Microsoft and Internet Explorer. Also, and I am just throwing this one in because I feel this article needs some more alsos, if IE cannot be removed, why bother installing a different browser?

9.Firefox is “Open Source” software. This means that you are legally obliged to spend ten hours per day hacking arcane source code, with absolutely no remuneration, for the rest of your life. Damn those viral licenses.

10.Internet Explorer belongs to Microsoft, and only Microsoft. Even the copy on your computer is not yours, but is usable by you temporarily, until Microsoft see fit to deny you permission, or until IE sees fit to hose your Windows installation - whichever comes first. So far it has never been necessary for MS to deny anybody permission, because they are so kind and generous.

11.Mystique is hot.

Conclusion
Use Internet Explorer, because it is tops, and really neat. Don’t use any of that evil “Free” software stuff on your computer, because that makes you a pinko commie sympathizer who will soon be involved in an unfortunate flamethrower accident. You’ve been warned.

mietek - Wto, 10.10.06, 6:57

Uśmiałem się do łez:
http://www.tuckermax.com/...not_ensue.phtml

Cały jego sajt jest dobry.

odkrywczyni - Nie, 29.10.06, 10:10
Temat postu: "I Know <HTML> <!--how to meet ladies-->&q
Sure, you can ogle her <BODY> - stare at her <FORM>, but for crying out loud, use your <HEAD>!

<A> woman doesn't want to be treated as an <OBJECT>. You've got to have <STYLE>. Work on your pickup lines, don't read from some <SCRIPT>. Be <BOLD>, and take chances! Make sure each <BUTTON> on your shirt is done up right. <SELECT> a nice cologne, but not too much!

Follow these simple instructions, stay in the right <FRAME> of mind, and <I> am sure you'll soon you'll be a <LEGEND> in dating.

If you made it this far, you clearly know HTML.

(jak już znacie to nie bijcie, ale dostałm to przed chwilą... :sesese )

mietek - Pią, 03.11.06, 16:43

Lubię Web 2.0. Wszystko można otagować odpowiednio do treści:
http://www.amazon.com/Pla...duct/B000IU3YLY

mietek - Sro, 15.11.06, 7:06

Co mają wspólnego dupa konia i prom kosmiczny?
http://www.astrodigital.org/space/stshorse.html

nirvanka - Nie, 26.11.06, 21:55

last.fm napisał(a):
We're sorry, but our database servers are currently overloaded. Please enjoy a quick cup of tea and then try refreshing this page.

mietek - Czw, 30.11.06, 22:00

http://answers.google.com...dview?id=408127
Erotyczny - Wto, 12.12.06, 3:21

Another Lesson in Managment

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

yanoo - Czw, 18.01.07, 20:22

ruszyła ospale lokomotywa... - z dedykacją dla smakoszy kawy.
dsk - Pon, 29.01.07, 23:28

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.

mietek - Sro, 07.02.07, 16:28

The latest Google flatline:
http://blog.ask.com/2007/02/the_latest_goog.html

adaszko - Czw, 22.02.07, 11:46

SETI Finally Finds Something
tumdum - Czw, 08.03.07, 23:57

"A clerk is a man who knows a great deal about very little, & who goes on knowing more & more about less & less, untill he finally knows everything about practically nothing"

"A manager is a man who knows very little about a great deal & who goes on knowing less & less about more & more until he finally knows nothing about practically everything"

dsk - Nie, 11.03.07, 20:59

Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which Swatch watch?

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches. Which Swedish switched witch watches which Swiss Swatch watch switch?


See also:
http://ii.yebood.com/viewtopic.php?p=20598#20598

DarKiusz - Pią, 23.03.07, 16:23

funny air traffic controllers quotes

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

kszana - Sob, 31.03.07, 22:28

Z komentarzy na KDE-Look.org

<alephiej> anywhere I look there's something about PiS or Kaszynski. Give it a break.
<pi3kielny> Don't look into Your closet.

mietek - Sob, 07.04.07, 13:28

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:


M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

Paczesiowa - Wto, 10.04.07, 16:43

An Arab is interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A.Visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

tumdum - Sro, 25.04.07, 9:38

Chris Noth napisał(a):
What makes me really sick is how New York now looks like a bad imitation of Sex and the City.


Anonymous Londoner quoted in New York magazine napisał(a):
Trouble with New York is that here in London, Sex and the City is a comedy. Over there, it’s a documentary.


From Overheard in New York napisał(a):
Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight!
[To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.


From Overheard in New York napisał(a):
Middle school boy: Yo, you ever seen that show Sex and the City on HBO?
Three friends: No.
Middle school boy: I thought there’d be mad sex on it. There wasn’t any! They should call that show ‘White Bitches Talking.’

–Brooklyn Middle School

dsk - Czw, 05.07.07, 2:01

Komentarz na youtube.com:

"If you post this message in just five other videos you will recive a special gift: no other chain letters will ever apply to you...NEVER, that's right, after posting this in five other videos, every other chain message you ever read will have no affect on you ever again. No matter what it says, you will have a special power to make it not come true, no matter what. So please post this and spread the word."

szuliq - Pią, 07.09.07, 19:41

pod windą:
uruchom -> "telnet" ->"o" jak olga -> "towel.blinkenlights.nl"
pod nie-windą pm pacześiowa ;]

enjoy :wiosna

mietek - Pią, 12.10.07, 0:24

Fajny artykuł o bardziej i mniej ortodoksyjnych Żydach:
http://www.thisisby.us/in...elped_some_jews

fala - Wto, 23.10.07, 19:34

Dostałem dziś rewelacyjny spam i chcę się nim z wami podzielić:

dillie helmut <dedi@connecthouston.com> napisał(a):
Now sailors can climb your penis to see the land.

twi - Sro, 14.11.07, 13:17

Student: "How long do you want this report to be?"
Professor: "I would like you to think of this paper much like a lady's dress - long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting."

fala - Pon, 03.12.07, 15:45

Joel Schumacher (reżyser):
- Do you know what 68 is? You do me and I owe you one.

fala - Czw, 13.12.07, 23:05

“This sentence contradicts itself— no actually it doesn't.” - Douglas Hofstadter

z Software Engineering - A Practitioner's Approach R. Pressmana

mietek - Wto, 25.12.07, 12:41

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee").

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically
correct, low stress, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all.

Additionally, a financially successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2007, but with due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures or sects whose contributions to society have
helped make our community great, (not to imply that our community is
necessarily greater than any other community or is the only
"community" in the world), and having regard to the race, creed,
colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer
platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

mietek - Wto, 25.12.07, 13:25

The Horror of Blimps
tumdum - Sro, 02.01.08, 11:12

Give a D&D player a fish, and he’ll probably try to sell it to an NPC fisherman.

Teach a D&D player to fish, and next week he’ll show up with the book, “The Complete Fisherman”. He’ll start hunting for some leviathan to catch and enslave, while dual-wielding two fishing poles.

mietek - Pią, 04.01.08, 16:52

How to Destroy the Earth
BIGos - Pon, 21.01.08, 23:33

By użytkownicy konsoli przetrwali.
Paczesiowa - Pon, 04.02.08, 20:22

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=60357

perelki (reszta w sumie ssie):
Paul Graham named his fists: "(" and ")"
Paul Graham is the current continuation.
Paul Graham is a default constructor. He takes no arguments.
Paul Graham when quined is Paul Graham when quined.
Paul Graham doesn't need Viagra. He is NP-hard.

Paczesiowa - Wto, 05.02.08, 16:35

http://www.devtopics.com/having-pun-with-c/

struct SoftwareConsultant {
double salary;
long lunches;
float jobs;
char unstable;
void work;
int hiring_him_again;
const pain_in_the_backside;
unsigned agreement;
short fuse;
volatile personality;
static progress;
};
/* and there are no unions in sight */

Siledhel - Nie, 17.02.08, 15:55

Zwykle na okładkach książek przeczytać można krótkie notki o autorze czy też autorach. Tak samo jest w przypadku powieści Good Omens Terry'ego Pratchetta i Neila Gaimana:


"For those who really need to know, Terry Pratchett was born in Buckinghamshire, England, in 1948. He has managed to avoid all the really interesting jobs authors take in order to look good in this kind of biography. In his search for a quiet life he got a job as a Press Officer with the Central Electricity Generating Board just after Three Mile Island, which shows his unerring sense of timing. Now a full-time writer, he lives in Somerset with his wife and daughter. He likes people to buy him banana daiquiris (he knows people don't read author biographies, but feels this might be worth a try).

Neil Gaiman used to be a journalist, but gave it all up to write comics, which he claims are a totally valid late-twentieth-century art form, and he's even won awards for them, so that's all right. He's 5'11" tall, owns a number of black T-shirts, and although he's not overly keen on banana daiquiris, is always very flattered when appreciative fans send him money (he's read Terry Pratchett's biography, and, although he doubts that this will have any effect, figures what the hell). Dollars for preference, in this uncertain world."

tmd - Nie, 17.02.08, 20:02

Siledhel, w moim wydaniu pod spodem jest jeszcze:

"Terry Pratchett gets up early in the mornings, Neil Gaiman early in the afternoons. This book was created in the four or five hours every day when both of them were awake."

Paczesiowa - Nie, 23.03.08, 1:32

ciekawy artykul na temat najswiezszego fenomenu internetowego
http://www.theonion.com/c...n_picture_gains

mietek - Sob, 19.04.08, 14:07

Pulp Fiction w języku Szekspira:
http://community.livejour...es/6644038.html

mietek - Sob, 07.06.08, 15:06

Tales of the Singularity:
Bruce Schneier and the King of the Crabs
Lord Cthulhu Walks the Desert
Paul Bunyan and the Spambot

mietek - Nie, 17.08.08, 22:47

Mark Twain vs język niemiecki:
http://crossmyt.com/hc/linghebr/awfgrmlg.html

Dreamer_ - Pią, 03.10.08, 11:26

With all the managers getting the big managing course, I have found a 5
minutes crash course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:



If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'


Moral of the story:


Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:


To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:



Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Marta - Pią, 10.10.08, 13:07

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left.

With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.

With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.

But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drink all
of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have had $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

mietek - Sro, 29.10.08, 13:45

Kod:
                   ******DEC INTERNAL USE ONLY******

OPERATING SYSTEM:            VAX/VMS

O.S. VERSION:                V3.2
PRODUCT:                     VAX/VMS
PRODUCT VERSION:             V3.2
COMPONENT:                   Run-Time Library
SUB-COMPONENT:               LIB$ routines

DATE ANSWERED:               13-Oct-1983

SPR PROBLEM ABSTRACT:        User claims year 2000 should not be a leap year.

PROBLEM:

The LIB$DAY Run-Time Library service "incorrectly" assumes the year
2000 is a leap year.

...

http://www-users.cs.york..../joke/decly.htm

Erotyczny - Czw, 13.11.08, 12:23

Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.



The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest and started catching them.



The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish,
the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he
would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
started catching monkeys again.



Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it!



The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act
as buyer, on his behalf.



In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘ Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell
them back to him for $50. ‘



The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.



Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys
everywhere!



Welcome to WALL STREET

rzezioo - Pią, 14.11.08, 22:29

nasi w anglii...
mietek - Pią, 14.11.08, 22:30

The Cuil measurement of abstraction:
http://www.reddit.com/r/w...y_farms/c06cqxb

Obrazoburca - Sob, 22.11.08, 1:26

Treść postów tego autora została usunięta. Zainteresowanych powodem odsyłam do źródeł.
dreamwalker - Pon, 01.12.08, 22:04

O prawnikach:
http://netscrap.com/netsc...fm?scrap_id=132

af - Czw, 11.12.08, 2:03

o tym jak kobiety szukają 'sympatii' na craigslist:
http://www.craigslist.org.../922341081.html

tumdum - Nie, 14.12.08, 14:32

Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My Ass
maquina - Nie, 14.12.08, 21:19
Temat postu: Nie klikaj w to podczas posiłku
A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
maciek j. - Wto, 16.12.08, 19:26

If programming languages were religions
_un - Sob, 20.12.08, 7:50

I have no idea how difficult my class is
(autor jest doktorantem na University of Mississippi)

af - Sob, 03.01.09, 10:12

I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time.
-- Britney Spears.

af - Pon, 09.02.09, 11:10

Wytłumaczenie kryzysu na przykładzie krów:

You have two cows.
John Paulson borrows one cow so he can sell it for $100. He gives you $10 as collateral.
You buy your neighbors cow for $100, which you finance by taking out a $90 loan from the bank and use John's $10 to make up the rest.
You brag to everyone about your financial health. You have assets--two cows you own, plus one Paulson owes you--worth $300, and liabilities of just $100.
A third of the country goes vegetarian.
You thought your two cows were worth $200 and now they are worth $140.
You express confidence in your financial health. Your assets are now worth only $200--your two cows plus the one John owes you--but your liabilities are still only $100. If necessary, you could sell the assets at this distressed price and pay off all your loans.
You hold onto your cows because you are sure the market is "dislocated." Some day someone will want to eat beef again.
The rest of the country goes vegetarian. Your two cows are now worth $2 each to guys who want to make dog food.
John Paulson buys a cow in the market for $2 and he gives it to you as repayment of the loan. You now have three cows worth six bucks.
John wants his $10 back.
The bank calls. It wants its $90 back.
You call the Federal Reserve and ask for a bailout.

Dreamer_ - Pią, 20.02.09, 16:12

właściwie to to jest pół żartem, pół serio, pół horror:

chair kills boy...

(gulp)

dreamwalker - Nie, 08.03.09, 9:05

Book a minute - poskracane książki SF
http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml
Tips for characters playing in horror films. Znacznie rozszerzone.
http://nac.tamu.edu/x075bb/survival.html
EDIT:
Operating System Sucks-Rules-O-Meter
EDIT2:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
EDIT3
Skippy and Slappy are at Woodstock. Roger Daltrey is onstage singing...

SLAPPY: Skippy, what is the name of that group playing on stage?

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group playing on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: You're starting to sound like an owl, Skippy.

SKIPPY: Who is on stage!

SLAPPY: That is what I'm askin' ya', who is on stage?

SKIPPY: That's what I said.

SLAPPY: You said who?

SKIPPY: I sure did.

SLAPPY: So tell me the name.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the band on stage!

SKIPPY: Who!

SLAPPY: You're doing that owl thing again, Skippy!

SKIPPY: I'm not, Aunt Slappy, I'm telling you Who is on stage.

SLAPPY: So tell me.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: So tell me.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage!

SKIPPY: Who!

SLAPPY: That's what I'm asking you!

SKIPPY: And I'm telling you the answer.

SLAPPY: Wait, Skippy, let's start over. Is there a band on stage?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Does the band have a name?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Do you know the name of the band?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Then tell me the name of the band on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the band!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The band, playing on stage!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: That's what I want to know!

SKIPPY: I'm telling you!

SLAPPY: Who is on stage.

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Who is?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Oh. So the name of the band is Yes.

SKIPPY: No, Aunt Slappy, Yes is not even at this concert.

SLAPPY: Then who is on stage?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: Who is?

SKIPPY: Yes.

SLAPPY: That's just what I said, Yes is on stage.

SKIPPY: No, Yes is not here. Who is on stage.

SLAPPY: Whaddya askin' me for?

SKIPPY: I'm not!

SLAPPY: Wait, let's try this again. Do you see the band on stage?

SKIPPY: No I don't see The Band, that's a different group entirely.

SLAPPY: On stage, Skippy. Look, see the band?

SKIPPY: No I don't.

SLAPPY: Get rid of those John Lennon glasses and look! There, there's the band!

SKIPPY: No, that's not The Band. The Band is performing later on. Who's on stage.

SLAPPY: You tell me.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group on stage.

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The name of the group!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The group on stage!

SKIPPY: Who.

SLAPPY: The band!

SKIPPY: No, The Band is performing later. Right now, we're listening to Who.

SLAPPY: That's what I wanna know!!

(Cheers and applause from the crowd)

ROGER DALTRY: Hey, you squirrels are funny, man. Come on up here and take a bow.

SKIPPY: Yeah! Far out!

SLAPPY: Oh brother...

EDIT

Joanne asks, "Has Tom eaten breakfast?"

"Yeah."

"What did you give him?"

"Let's see. Cheese."

"Good."

"And some bread."

"Good."

"And sausage."

"Where did you get sausage?"

"And some pineapple."

There's a pause.

"You gave him cold pizza, didn't you?"

mietek - Nie, 03.05.09, 17:50

"It was once said that before a black man became president, pigs would fly. Now here, 100 days into Obama's term, swine flu!"
mietek - Nie, 31.05.09, 3:52

Bardzo ciekawy artykuł o zamkach:
http://www.wired.com/tech...currentPage=all

mietek - Sro, 10.06.09, 7:57

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them:
http://www.theonion.com/c...arted_dating_it

ponton - Pon, 22.06.09, 20:57

Women are shitty programmers because they are emotional and irrational.
Man: My program won't work, I must have written it incorrectly.
Woman: My program won't work, the computer must hate me. Let's go shopping.

af - Wto, 07.07.09, 17:02

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50.

Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

czarny - Nie, 12.07.09, 15:02

mylifeisaverage.com

Today I turned 11. I did not receive a letter from Hogwarts. MLIA

Today, I realized the word bed actually looks like a bed. MLIA

Today, I sneezed while I was alone. I blessed myself. Then I thanked myself. MLIA.

Today, my teacher saw me texting under the desk and grabbed my phone. She didnt grab my penis. MLIA.

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She yelled out the name Tommy. My name is Tommy. MLIA

I've never seen a moose... today was no exception. MLIA.

Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved. MLIA

Today I though of the perfect comeback for an argument I had three days ago. MLIA

niesamowita strona :]

maquina - Pon, 13.07.09, 21:11
Temat postu: Check your answers!
Odpowiedz na pytanie, ktore wam kiedys zadalem ;-)
Paczesiowa - Czw, 30.07.09, 0:00

googlajac sobie przypadkiem natrafilem na to:
Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School
http://www.theonion.com/c...or_first_day_of

pewniescie ciekawi za czym googlalem:) jak wreszcie znajde to wrzuce

dj3500 - Nie, 09.08.09, 14:22

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972

dreamwalker - Wto, 11.08.09, 14:23

Four philosophical questions to make your brain hurt
mietek - Wto, 18.08.09, 14:38

Stare, ale jare: Academic Programmers — A Spotter's Guide:
http://www.ee.ryerson.ca/~elf/hack/academic.html

BIGos - Pon, 24.08.09, 19:28

z basha:

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

Dreamer_ - Wto, 25.08.09, 14:14

raczej stare, ale ja przeczytałem dopiero dziś :)

A Letter From M.I.T.
MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:

Cytat:
April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.


Reply:
Cytat:
May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?


Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

_un - Pon, 31.08.09, 21:00

When Grandma Goes To Court
Cytat:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

af - Pon, 21.09.09, 17:52

Cytat:
Nigeria is mad at Sony for its latest ads that suggesting a lot of scams come from the country. Heaven forfend!

In the ad, a corporate rumor-squasher (read: PR spokesbot) responds to a rumor-mongrel's (read: pudgy gadget blogger) request for comment about a tip he got about a PS3 price-drop. "You can't believe everything you read on the Internet. Otherwise I'd be a Nigerian millionaire by now."

In response to this false, defamatory and confidential claim, Nigeria demanded an immediate recant. "Nigeria also demands an unconditional apology from Sony Corporation for this deliberate negative campaign against the country's image and reputation," said a spokesman for the Nigerian government.

Cytat:
Sony promises a full apology and $10 Million, but Nigeria first has to send over $10,000 to help them successfully transport the apology and the cash out of Japan


Disklejmer: tylko pierwsza część autentyczna, tutaj klip

ęą - Pią, 04.12.09, 14:30

So Much Drama in the PhD
nirvanka - Sro, 09.12.09, 14:03

Raczej smutne
dreamwalker - Wto, 22.12.09, 9:17

Mężczyźni są z Marsa, kobiety z Wenus

http://lorien.ncl.ac.uk/m...es/creative.htm


BONUS!
100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English
http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html

mietek - Pon, 28.12.09, 15:00

The C Programming Language,
BW Kernighan & DM Ritchie & HP Lovecraft:
http://www.bobhobbs.com/files/kr_lovecraft.html

Dreamer_ - Wto, 29.12.09, 9:46

Cytat:
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

pawlik - Wto, 12.01.10, 8:46

An Englishman in Poland: The first 6 months

Part 2: An Englishman in Poland: Finishing the first Year

af - Pią, 19.02.10, 2:02

Z dyskusji na reddicie:
User 1 napisał(a):
I've been applying for a lot of jobs lately, so seeing the "what do you think of MySQL" question few times here worries me. What's the right answer to this type of question?
All I can come up with is something like "It's really good for storing my data, and I think we can be friends." Maybe I'm supposed to compare with postgres or sqlite or whatever? How can I avoid sounding kind of stupid while answering this question?


User 2 napisał(a):
Just answer it as if a friend or fellow redditor asked you, you know, the way you'd normally evaluate something. I'm not a programmer but I know there are pros and cons to anything including software. "It has an efficient query table seek value that is unparalleled in speed and efficiency. While postgres just locks up when I run a content analysis horizon framework, mysql allows me to..." (Sorry for the fake jargon I obviously don't know what I'm talking about.)


User 3 napisał(a):
I'm a software engineer who has dealt with MySQL for about a year now... and I was ridiculously confused and doubting my own experience level reading that until the apology.
Don't mess with me like that.

Paczesiowa - Sro, 24.02.10, 20:52

http://stallman.org/articles/extreme.html
historyjka (ze zdjeciami!) o tym, jak sie stallman ustosunkowal do papugi, a papudze sie to podobalo.

nirvanka - Wto, 09.03.10, 21:27

Z poszukiwań natchnienia do listu motywacyjnego: What can you bring to this company?
czakey - Czw, 25.03.10, 12:44

One client called me this morning. After a brief discussion and proposing the price, suddenly he said:
"Im sorry, I thought freelancers work for free..."

roolin - Sro, 26.05.10, 21:25

Wiem, że stare, nawet sam się przyznałem jak bardzo, ale jebłem :D

Hitler calls Mussolini on the phone:
- Benito aren't you in Athens yet?
- I can't hear you Adolf.
- I said aren't you in Athens yet?
- I can't hear you. You must be ringing from a long way off, presumably London.

Joke circulating in Occupied France, winter 1940-41

maquina - Sob, 05.06.10, 8:10

Człowiek, który dużo mówi. Przez sen.
http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

Excerpts:
Cytat:
I'm not just good. I'm lick-my-parts tingling kind of good. Beat that.

What the fuck's wrong with your face?! Christ on a bike, next time you're smiling, warn me.

Check out that crab, and his oh-so-sideways attitude. Dipshit. No one's impressed

Whoever invented calories is gonna get their face fucked with ice cream cake.

af - Nie, 19.09.10, 21:00

The wild programmer (Scriptus exemplarus aspergerii) is generally a shy creature when in its natural habitat. While some deviant boisterous specimens do exist, they are the oddity rather than the rule.

He is content with spending his life staring at rectangular pieces of backlit canvas, and occasionally bashing on rectangular pieces of polished material. Come to think of it, most of his activities revolve around rectangles: the rectangular nutrient clumps he tends to favor eating, the rectangular primitive communication device he always carries around, the beige or black boxes he is so attached to, even organizing his workspace into cubes.

The programmer's activity involves stringing together symbols in intricate patterns which they place on their canvases, obeying complicated self-imposed rules. They are inevitably proud of their symbols and compare them among each other to advance in the hierarchy. Some deem their symbols so valuable that they never show them to another, while others do the same for fear their symbols are not up to par.

Amongst themselves, they can quickly sense when someone is inferior to the standards they uphold, and most often attempt to enlighten less gifted peers; the same less gifted peers will often not take that kindly and, in a surprising twist, both consider the other group arrogant and come off as arrogant themselves.

When taken out of his natural habitat however, the programmer is utterly confused and sees the world around him as a great challenge. Anything that does not conform to the patterns clearly laid out in his symbols is deemed illogical and useless, which causes concern among humans (which is an entirely different species, despite the similarities). He will often try to improve various aspects of the world around him using the methods learned when dealing with symbols, and usually fail; however, his failure only gives him reason to point out that he actually acted correctly, and that outside influences (which are usually humans) are to blame for everything that goes wrong. This usually has the side effect of the same humans considering the programmer arrogant or stupid.

When dealing with programmers it is best to avoid upsetting them; however that may not prove an easy task, as their minds work very differently from those of other species. The best defense is to arm yourself with a modicum of information about symbols (you don't have to understand them yourself) or even better, about specific symbols written by famous programmers. It's enough to mention them to calm him down and make him go into a lot of detail on why those symbols are completely wrong and his are better. This is especially useful if you happen to remember symbols from a dialect that is opposed or otherwise dissonant to the programmer's natural one (like C-SHARP [ˈsi.ˈʃaɾp] versus JAVA [ˈdʒavɐ]), although in some specimens it can also produce bouts of rage.

Also remember that due to his peculiar habits, programmers have a hard time reproducing and as such they are considered an endangered species. Efforts to instigate them to reproduce (much like in the case of giant pandas, Ailuropoda melanoleuca) have been mostly met with failure. So try to be kind to them, as they are generally docile and not a danger unless provoked by displays of misplaced affection or (what they would deem as) illogical thinking.

Programmers are part of our heritage and we should do our best to preserve this wondrous species for future generations.

ˆTLDR Inc.

zaczerpnięte z http://programmers.stacke...ammers-arrogant

drak - Sro, 03.11.10, 11:21

Four chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su, decided to emigrate to the USA.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China...

Wojtas - Sro, 15.12.10, 22:05

Dowód na to, że Ziemia jest płaska.
af - Czw, 06.01.11, 22:15

1. Weźmy wszystkie teksty z wikileaks
2. Znajdźmy zdania z 17 sylabami...*
3. Dostawmy entery tu i ówdzie...
4. Rezultat: http://haikuleaks.tetalab.org/

*Disclaimer: tak naprawdę, to zrobione jest trochę więcej

Kuraj - Pon, 31.01.11, 0:48

Learning to program without learning C is like growing up wearing nothing but velcro shoes. Sure, its convenient, but one day you'll be all grown up and find yourself staring at your shoes, realizing that you really know absolutely nothing about how strings work.
Marcin J. K. - Wto, 03.05.11, 20:50

Zastanawiałem się przez chwilę, czy wrzucić to do duperelowatych gierek, czy tutaj. Kilka interaktywnych opowiadań - coś jak takie klasyczne RPG. Multiple choice games. Niektóre da się przeczytać/przejść w jakieś pół godziny (User-contributed są krótsze), inne mogą zająć jakieś 2-3 godzinki.
Paczesiowa - Nie, 25.09.11, 11:29

- How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
- To get to the other side.

Netsu - Pon, 05.12.11, 7:55

A propos tworzonej teraz wersji Canabalt na Comodore 64, C64anabalt:

Sheep napisał(a):
There is a Flash version of the C64 online. http://codeazur.com.br/stuff/fc64_final/
So with that, you could play a commodore version of a flash game on a flash version of a commodore

Paczesiowa - Wto, 03.01.12, 10:33

There is tell around my company of a threadpool-ish class which, in that it monitored child threads, was named Pedophile. This is all good for a laugh, until your customers call in to
complain that your program is crashing with only the message, "Error: Pedophile has no children to watch."

tach - Pią, 06.01.12, 23:05

The Church of Kopimism
rAum - Nie, 19.02.12, 17:26

O pewnym problemie firmy produkującej pasty do zębów i jego rozwiązaniu na dwa sposoby :)
Efficiency is intelligent laziness

Mociak - Sro, 22.02.12, 0:20

http://www.cracked.com/ar...-same-ship.html
rAum - Pią, 01.06.12, 18:27

Nowe ficzery VS 2012: http://www.ianquigley.com..._of_VS2012.html :)
foo - Wto, 10.07.12, 11:26

I'd tell you a joke about UDP... but you probably wouldn't get it.
dj3500 - Pią, 15.03.13, 13:55

Coś dla dziennikarzy: link
Tomsik - Sob, 16.03.13, 20:22

Metalowo-epicka historia w DFie: link
Kuraj - Nie, 17.03.13, 3:11

Tomsik napisał(a):
Metalowo-epicka historia w DFie: link


Nie wiem, czy było, ale Boatmurdered też jest niezłe :D


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